In Hye Kim / my Mom’s mom / 93yearsold
Growing up, I spent a lot of time with my dad’s parents. But I also spent some time with my mom’s mom who lived with my cousins in Chino Hills. She wasn’t very mobile and she had like 6 kids and 20 grandchildren living in socal so I never really got to interact with her. Also my lack of korean skillz was another impediment to really connecting with my grandma.
But I do remember running to her room whenever we went to my cousins house and she would have this big jar of korean candy next to her desk. She would sneak me a couple, I would stuff my face and run back downstairs to play nintendo 64 with my cousins.
I also remember that she would call me into her room, because she was always knitting me something. Socks, a vest, a circular seat cushion. She made any and all crocheting dreams into reality. She would make me try it on, exam it from different angles, and then after a 30 minute session of super smash brothers, she would call me back up and I would have a perfectly fitting pair of gloves, a french beret, and wool socks - perfect for the 75 degree socal winters.
Last year, after a few unfortunate accidents, my aunts and uncles decided it was best to move my grandma to a long-term care facility where she could be under the care of trained staff 24/7.
When I came home this summer for my sisters graduation, I stopped by to see my grandma. I hadn’t seen her in like 8 months, so my mom asked if she remembered who I was.
-“Of course, that’s your oldest son…”
After some going back and forth about what I’m doing in NY and how my Grandma is holding up, my mom jokes, “Mom, do you want Dongwon-ee to give you an allowance? He’s making money now. You need some cash?”
My grandma looked up at me and gingerly lifted her hands up - “Yes… I want money”
My mom: “What would you use it for?”
with the saddest eyes my grandma said: “….To help people who have less than me…”
And then my heart broke into 6,500 pieces. In the weakest, most painful and vulnerable time in her life, that was what was weighing on her heart.
Yesterday morning (10/16/13), my grandma passed away. When I found out, I called my mom thinking she would be inconsolable. But when she picked up, her voice seemed calm and in peace. My mom just said, “Grandma had a perfect movie-style ending to her life” - All my mom’s siblings got together in my grandma’s room, and they sang hymns and lifted up prayers together until my grandma gave her last breath in her sleep.
Love you halmunee.
My mom was very adamant that she raise her kids in a wholesome environment. A big part of this was filtering the media that my siblings and I consumed. Pretty much if it had: swearing (my mom considered, “stupid” and “shut-up” to be curse words), guns, fighting, yelling, stealing, or promiscuously-dressed woman - it was out of the question.
So for the first 12 years of my life the only videos we had at home were:
1. The Sound of Music
2. Dunston checks in
3. Every disney movie except Little Mermaid cause Ariel’s hair and outfit made her look like a streetwalker.
4. 3 Ninjas - I managed to sneak this into our collection somehow.
My dad literally bought us every disney movie that was released from 1992 till 2001. (I still remember the first one he brought home was Aladdin.) Sometimes I would go over to my grandparents house or to another relatives house and a lot of times they didn’t have any suitable movies to play for the kids. Everyone knows the best way to babysit 5 children is to play an animated film. So they would go to the nearest store and buy whatever looked to be entertaining.
And for some reason, they would always buy the Sing-Along-Songs videos instead of the actual movie.
These things are literally the worst. At first they had me fooled. Familiar disney font, the name checked out, and the front cover showed the characters everyone knew and loved. But when we eagerly stuffed the cassette into the VHS player, it would look something like this:
And the kids would be all excited, cause we thought, “Hey! after this stupid song is over, the real movie will begin!”
But it never stopped. We kept waiting wide-eyed, but the song would just lead into another song….and another song. And we were were all on the edge of our seats waiting for story to unfold, but Disney and the video selection at my grandma’s local grocery store failed us.
When the credits began to roll, we knew we were shammed again. Those disney tricksters slap on Peter Pan on the cover of a VHS and we all thought we were gonna get a story of Captain Hook and the Lost Boys, but instead we just got 3 different renditions of “The Second Star to the Right”.
1) For every 7 likes I get on my instagram photo, I only get 1 like for the exact same picture I post on facebook. I guess people just feel more generous with their social media capital on instagram? Or maybe double tapping an image is easier than finding the “Like” button?
Someone should do a study on this.
And instavideo is stupid.
2) I’m really bad at keeping in touch with people. I haven’t called my parents in a month. They used to pester me about never calling home, but now I think they gave up. But they don’t have empty nest syndrome yet, since they have 2 other kids at home and coco, our hyper-active female toy poodle that humps people.
And I haven’t been really talking to my friends back in california either. Sometimes I have a chat box open to start a conversation, but then I think about the mental and emotional effort I have to expend to carry on an interesting conversation, which is 10x harder since we have less and less in common. I ponder the different things we can talk about, but then 9 times out of 10 I usually end up watching 3 episodes of breaking bad and then falling asleep.
3) Played my first league basketball game in NY today. BJ advocated for me to the team by selling me as a streaky lance stephenson. I’m honored to be on the team! I sprained my knee playing football on saturday so I took it easy today. No crazy buckwild trevor ariza defense, but I had like 3 assists and 4 points. Call me 2012 derek fisher. But nonetheless it was pretty damn fun. Our team made like 20 three pointers and we got the W. #makeitdrizzle
4) I’m ready for snow(boarding).
HanHee Park / my Dad’s Mom / 81yearsold
My grandma is a freaking boss. On my dad’s side of the family she is definitely the Queen Bee. At any family gathering she’s usually front and center and confidence oozes out of her like whip cream being smushed out of the now-resurrected Twinkie.
My grandma came from a wealthy family. Her dad was a businessman and bought out a bunch of land outside seoul and after buying some trucks, started his own garbage collection company. He was a straight hustler.
My grandma empathizes education the most out of anyone I know. My grandma graduated from ewha university in seoul, which is still one of the highest ranked universities in Asia.
I think her class was like 20 people. Going to college back then was really rare, and for a woman to go to college…..that was #veryrare.
I remember she would drive over to our house every morning to eat breakfast with us and send us off to school. She would go through the multiplication tables with me and for every answer I got right, she would give me 5 dollars. For a kid with an attention span comparable to a goldfish, that $5 payout was a really good reinforcement. I memorized that stuff like my life freaking depended on it.
My grandma definitely taught me the value of a dollar. And she nurtured the entrepreneurial spirit in me. In elementary school, gongi (korean jacks) was super popular.
But the white kids didn’t know where to buy them. So the next time my mom went to K-town, I asked her to buy me a wholesale-size bag of them. I stuck those colorful chocking hazards in my dad’s old briefcase and sold those things like snickers at a fat camp. I quadrupled my initial investment and my grandma praised me like I had won the nobel peace prize.
Then in Jr high, she found another venture for me. She basically let me manage and keep all the profits from the soda vending machine in front of her motel. I was literally rolling in quarters. I think I probably went to the bank every other week with like 50 pounds of change. #getmoneygetpaid
During that time, I promised my grandma when I became a billionaire, I would buy her a house with no less than 100 rooms. My mom mentioned that she bragged about this for the next few weeks to everyone she had a conversation with.
I’ll think of another idea soon…
I love my grandparents. Here’s one of them.
Yoonsik Park / my Dad’s Dad / 90yearsold
My grandpa is a crowd favorite. He dresses like a boss, has endearing quirks, and doesn’t meddle too much in other people’s business.
My grandpa carries around boxes of hershey chocolate and wrigleys double-mint gum. Whenever he gets a chance he’ll slip them to my friends or unsuspecting people at church. I’ve seen him stop in the middle of 2 jipsamnaeens having a conversation, reach into his briefcase, and hand them both bars of chocolates and walk away. And when my friends come to visit, sometimes he’ll randomly hand them a goody bag filled with pringles and a roll of ritz crackers.
I have a pretty good feeling my gramps is an INTJ. He’s really keeps to himself, loves reading/learning/keeping up with current events, and isn’t the best at emotionally connecting with other people (sorry if I hurt any INTJs feelings….wait nvm, INTJs don’t have feelings)
I remember in like 5th grade, I went to my grandparent’s house and my grandma was super happy. She bragged to me that grandpa had bought her an anniversary gift. The first anniversary gift he EVER got her. She walked me over to the dining table to show me. I thought it was going to be a pearl necklace or maybe some diamond earrings. She pointed at the table. But there was nothing on the table.
"Halumnee, what did grandpa get you?"
He got her a dining table from BIF for her first ever anniversary present. NICEE.
My Grandpa, the most interesting man in the world.
I have an addictive personality. If I find something I really like, it consumes all of me. I remember in 7th grade I got introduced to diablo 2. Once I laid my hands on that game, I got HOOKED.
When I was at school that’s all I wanted to talk about. When I was out with my friends we headed straight to PC bang to get in a 3 hour cow-run session. When I was supposed to be “researching homework”, I would be feverishly tapping my mouse at 100 clicks a second until I heard my mom coming and I would alt+tab back to my altavista or askJeeves screen like it was a kneejerk reaction.
Even when I was playing, I would daydream about playing MORE diablo2. (We want more, we want more! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnA3C9Af_oc)
After squandering my blood, sweat, and tears into that game for over a year and a half, I decided to quit. It was time to regain control of my life.
I started to function like a normal human being again. I ate food other than cereal, hot pockets, and toaster strudel. I actually held legitimate conversations with my parents. I began to make real-life friends. And I stopped having seizures from the 12+ hour game sessions. hurray!
I was on my way to becoming a functioning member of society! But that was short-lived. Because soon after entering highschool, I got sucked into the world of Nike SB.
It kinda happened on accident. All i wanted was ONE pair of dunks, the sendhelps.
When these released, I rushed to my local skateshop to buy a pair. When I got there, I saw the shoe resting on the shelf and I was basking in it’s rays of glory. After the basking was complete, I requested a size 10 on the double, but the worker dropped the bad news on me, “Sorry bro, we only have that size 13 left….”
I was crushed, but for some reason while I was about to walkout, I just decided to buy them anyway. ”Whatever, I’ll just wear 9 pairs of socks.”
I paid the retail price of $90 and went on my way. Later that day, I ended up going to a sneaker meetup with some friends. I brought along the shoes hoping someone would buy them - or better yet trade me for my size. The moment I walked in carrying them, someone offered me a new iPod nano in exchange for the kicks. Whutttt? I realized I might be on to something. Long story short, I kept building interest in these shoes until I finally sold them to someone for $160 bucks. $70 for 1 hour of work? Not bad for a 15 year old.
As luck would have it, I ended up going back to the skate shop a few days later to see if they had any more size 13s. Lo and behold, nike decided to restock this store with a full size run. That NEVER happens! I find out that they have 1-dunk-per-person policy. I quickly call up all my friends after playing a game of snake2 on my phone, pull out all my money from my bank, and end up buying 10 pairs of these shoes. I wasn’t worried about taking a loss on these guys, cause I could always just return them all if I didn’t flip them in 30 days. But it was too easy. I sold 9 pairs for over $50 profit each (had to keep one for myself).
I was REALLY onto something. I set up accounts across all the online sneaker forums I could get my hands on. I studied sneakers and their prices like it was frickin stocks and I was a Gordon Gekko.
I bought/sold/traded probably over 300 pairs of sneakers. I waited for the postman everyday so that my parents wouldn’t see all the boxes coming in and out of my house. At one point I had random kids from neighboring cities calling me and asking what I had in stock.
After I saw the sneaker bubble coming to a close, I kept the pairs that were near and dear to my heart and sold the rest away to ratchet kids across the nation.
(some of the shoes I have left. peep the sendhelps in the top left cubbie)
come to think of it, I haven’t had one of these time-consuming hobbies in a while…..what should I get sucked into next? I guess when I have my quarter-life crisis, I’ll start playing diablo 3? #relapse
I work better in complementary relationships. I thrive when there is some sort of set dynamic between the other person and I.
I think that’s why I’ve always seemed to “click” faster with younger or older people. With younger people, I can assume the role of the initiator and I have more patience and understanding when interacting with them. With older people, I play the shekki card and it’s easy for me to have a thick skin when they berate me, cause I know it’s (mostly) out of love.
Same principle applies to the kinds of people I hang out with. Growing up, whenever I was with my trouble-maker friends, I was always the one trying to pull the brakes. During Christmas-time, we would all go to the Macy’s at Puente Hills Mall and they would steal boxes and boxes of cologne. (everyone knew that the macy’s at puente hills didn’t put their cologne behind the locked glass displays). I would plead for them to stop, but instead they peer pressured me to steal acqua di gio. And then they would drive around rich people neighborhoods and shoot all the nice car windows with their bb guns. And I would be having a minor panic attack in the back seat.
On the flipside, if I was with my prude friends, I would egg them on to do bad things. Like one time, we were at a jjajjamyun restaurant and the parents were talking away. I wasn’t about to just sit in front of a plate of oranges and fried sweetPotato for 1 hour, so I got all the kids to play freeze-tag in the parking lot. And then for some reason, I escalated the play-time and lit a phone book on fire near the entrance of the restaurant.
I literally feared for my life on the car ride home that night. I BEGGED for my friends to all sleepover, since my parents couldn’t punish me in front of everyone. Luckily, they did and the situation was diffused. #whew.
Moral of this story: Leave your cars in the garage and your cologne behind the locked glass displays.
In school, I learned the basic economic principle that people prefer variety. For example, if John had 10 Laptops and 0 Bicycles and Jenny had 10 Bicycles and 0 Laptops, John would be more than happy to trade a laptop for a bicycle and vice versa for Jenny.
Some of you guys might be thinking, “well duh, that’s common sense”. But what’s funny is that in a lot of cases, people don’t seize the opportunity to bring variety into their lives. Case in point: trading food when eating with friends.
Usually, most of my friends are down to trade a little portion of their dish in return for a taste of another person’s dish.
But there are many times where it’ll go down like this:
Me: “O wow, that looks so good. Mine is legit too! You wanna trade a little?”
Spawn of Satan: “No thanks, I’m good.”
Me: ”Hahah ok, I gotta try that next time….” (Then I place a voodoo curse on “Spawn of Satan” to have un-ending explosive diarrhea after eating his dish)
Anyway. A few years ago, I learned about this thing called the tasting menu. It was a way for rich people to
eat, I mean taste, alot of different things in one meal. When I heard about this, I really wished that I was born into a rich white family. With a tasting menu, there was no bartering of dishes involved. No chance of rejection from another member of your table. And your taste buds have their mind blown with new flavors of something exquisite every 8 minutes.
This past week I was blessed with an opportunity to experience this magical unicorn of a meal. And the cherry on top was that I got to try it at a 3-Michelin star restaurant, Le Bernardin.
(factoid: there are only eleven 3-Michelen star restaurants in the USA)
1st Course: Amuse Bouche.
(factoid: Amuse-bouches are different from appetizers in that they are not ordered from a menu by patrons, but, when served, are done so for free and according to the chef’s selection alone)
2nd Course: Hamachi.
Flash Marinated Hamachi; Sea Beans and Daikon
Black Garlic-Ponzu Sauce
I <3 sashimi.
3rd Course: Langoustine.
Sauteed Langoustine; Truffle and Chanterelle.
Aged Balsamic Vinaigrette.
Langoustine = rich ppl shrimp.
Bread. Instead of leaving a bread basket at your table. You have a designated server who carries a giant basket of various bread to your seat. Then after choosing your selection of bread, they leave you this metal container that looks like the bell you ring at a motel, except this bell is 15x cooler because it’s filled to the brim with soft butter.
4th Course: Black Bass.
Crispy Black Bass; Roasted Shishitos and Acorn Squash Ceviche.
Peruvian Chicha Sauce.
5th Course: Monkfish.
Pan Roasted Monkfish; Tarragon Scented Pea Puree, Morels.
Armagnac-Black Pepper Sauce.
We got new utensils with every new dish. I felt bad for the dishwasher.
6th Course: Striped Bass.
Wild Striped Bass; Bhutanese Red Rice, Green Papaya Salad.
Ginger-Red Wine Sauce.
7th Course: Rhubarb.
Rhubarb Sorbet, Sheep’s Milk Yogurt, Vanilla Wafer (or as I called it: a bougie dorito)
8th Course: Dark Chocolate Parfait + Petit Fours. aka 2nd round of desserts. #fatLife.
Candied Cacona Almonds, Dulce de leche, Milk Sorbet, Mini Macaron, etc.
This was by FAR the best meal of my life (apart from my mom’s cooking). And it was by FARRRR the most expensive meal of life. But if you have a small fortune saved up, I highly recommend you try a legit tasting menu with your friends. You’ll have the best food of your life and you’ll get to sit in the same dining room as people who have yachts, helicopters, penthouses, and President Obama on speed dial. I’m ‘bout that life.
Last night I woke up in a cold sweat at 4am. I was having a bad dream about how shake shack decided to get rid of the shack stack burger. It was an utter nightmare.
I thought I woke up due to that, however right after waking up, I curled into a fetal position because my stomach was hurting. I begin to think to myself, “Dude…I have food poisoning or appendicitis. I’m only home for 2 more days. Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
I got up, tried my best to keep my composure, and consulted the person I go to when I need answers during the deepest and darkest moments of my life: Google. My search string: “bloated stomach abdominal pain shake shack shack stack”
After some browsing I narrowed it down to Indigestion (and for those of you who were curious, shake shack does still carry the shack stack, hallelujah).
The symptoms of indigestion include:
-Bloating (full feeling)
-Belching and gas
-Nausea and vomiting
-Burning in the stomach or upper abdomen
-These symptoms may increase in times of stress
Boom. It was right on the money. I was relieved that it wasn’t something serious. I scrolled down and read what kind of lifestyle is associated with indigestion:
-Eating too much, eating too fast, eating high-fat foods, or eating during stressful situations
-Drinking too much alcohol
-Stress and fatigue
Boom. Right on the money x2.
I realized that my meals for the past 24 hours were:
1. 2 IPAs and a bite of a churro at Disneyland.
2. Queso california chicken burrito from vallartas - a burrito/quesdilla fusion filled with cheese, grease, and frenchfries. (I literally gagged after writing that).
3. Spicy Shrimp Torta and ceviche from Oscars - acidic seafood + mounds of hot sauce.
4. Baby back ribs from Phils - Fatty ribs with a fat side of fries and onion rings.
I was glad that I was able to self-diagnose myself, but then a wave of sadness overcame me.
Was it true…?
Did the bad decisions of my yesterday, really follow me to a new day…..?
Could I not hang after eating just 4 unhealthy things in a row……..?
Could it be…..?
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m one of the most restless people I know. I always need to be doing something. And sometimes doing one thing at a time is not enough.
Since moving to NY, I try my best to fill my day with things to do. Other than reserving one day for laundry, cleaning, and other errands. I work all day and then go meet up friends at night. like every day. This constant flow of work and play has been super fun, but it also melts away my perception of time. I’ve been in NY for almost 6 months. WTF. It feels like I’ve been here for 3 weeks. And I’m scared that another 3-4 years of my life will pass by without me realizing.
In sports and in my startup, I always got the same feedback from my teammates: You have so much energy, stamina, and willpower, but you’re lacking in direction and long-term strategy. I’m a marathon runner who’s making record time on my splits, but I’m running in the wrong direction.
I need to sit down and really map out what I want for my life. But it’s hard. And all this, “30 is the new 20”/”you’re so young. just go have fun and take it easy” is just pushing me away from this reflection period of my life. And I don’t like doing things that don’t produce immediate results since I can’t tell if I’m doing it right.
But I’m going to LA this wed night. Hopefully my parents can slap some sense into me. And if any of you have some tips, I’ll be happy to talk about it over some steak&egg burritos.
"What I liked about New York was the food took priority…In most American cities, dinner is an afterthought. In Orlando, my friends and I would almost never eat before heading out. We’d get high, watch sports, and wait till 11pm to wild. New York was different: dinner was the event…People follow the big fall openings, wait hours for cafe seating in the spring, or buy out their favorite courtyard in the summer…Restaurants are the gateways into New York’s neighborhoods…Somehow, food has become a social equalizer.
The biggest travesty in downtown New York is that you have to buy your lox at R&D then take the train up to Ess-a-Bagel to put together a proper lox, caper, red onion, cream cheese, on sesame or salt bagel. We wish 2nd Ave Deli was still on Second Avenue, we worry about the old man’s health at Di Fara Pizza…But despite the misfires, overhyped opening, and super-restaurants that mar the landscape, New York is the best eating city not named Tokyo or Taipei, and we owe it to people Fresh Off The Boat…it’s an army of first- and second-generation immigrants that feed this city. I love the Knicks, I fux with Fool’s Gold parties, and I stay coppin’ kicks, but living in New York, it became clear to me what I loved the most was the thing I loved all along: food.” -Eddie Huang
Sneakers, hiphop, getting in trouble, food, and entrepreneurship all wrapped up in some of the best story-telling ever. Probably in my top 5 favorite books of all time.
The Importance of Being on Time
I used to never be late. I was the guy who got to the airport 3 hours early for a domestic flight. I would check in, grab my tickets, get sexually harassed by the TSA, and then spend 2 and a half hours roaming the terminals while eating $10 Chicken Mcnuggets from the premiumly-priced aiport Mcdonalds.
I always left early, whether it was for class or meeting up with friends. Because who knew what could happen on my way to wherever I had to go? In today’s world, there are an infinite amount of things that could hold me up, such as:
2. Explosive Diarrhea
3. Explosive Diarrhea while sitting in traffic
4. Meteor Shower
5. Getting hit by a stray bullet during a drive-by shooting
6. Taking a really long time to tie my shoes.
7. Taking a really long time to tie my shoes while having Explosive Diarrhea.
The possibilites are literally endless. Anyway, I lived the majority of my life making sure I was early to everything. Then I went to college and started hanging out with mostly korean people. I learned about a new framework for being punctual. I refer to it as “Korean Time”. This is the formula for Korean Time:
Official-Agreed-upon-Time-of-Arrival + 20 minutes + GroupSize*2minutes = Actual-Time-of-Arrival
So let’s say, there was an event scheduled at 7pm for 8 people. According to normal societal rules you are expected to arrive between 6:55pm and 7:05pm. But on Korean time:
7:00pm + 20 minutes + 8*2minutes = 7:36pm.
I remember one time KCM planned a day-long mission trip to Mexico. The announcement on the flyer said meet at Peterson Cul-de-Sac at 7am SHARP. The “sharp” was in CAPS and bold font, so I could tell they meant business. I remember waking up late that morning at 6:50am. I scrambled out of bed, brushed my teeth while putting on clothes, microwaved 2 pizza hot pockets, and ran out of my dorm. I sprinted to our meeting point and arrived at precisely 7:04am. I stopped to catch my breath (and finish up the last few bites of my delicious hot pocket). I scanned around and no one was to be seen. ”NOOO, they left without me!” I grabbed my phone and dialed some of the staff members. Hoping they would have enough compassion to turn around and pick me up.
Later I found out that the majority of the people were still at home, and we didn’t officially leave until 8am. That’s when I found out about this little game. The early bird gets the worm? I was a sucker.
This past saturday our SG planned to eat brunch together at 10:45 am. Now that I’m a veteran, I knew what that REALLY meant. So I woke up at 10am and took my sweet time heading out the door. However I didn’t account for the 2 subway transfers I had to make and also that I had to walk like 6 blocks to the actual restaurant. Usually there isn’t any cell phone service in the subways, but there are little sections where you might get a couple bars. As my subway passed by one of these sweet spots I got a couple emails/texts all at the same time. Uh-oh.
This is when I started to feel super bad. This message was so urgent they decided to sent it to our SG listserv. TWICE! I tried to appease them with an order of lemon ricotta pancakes for the table, but I ended up eating all of it, so that didn’t really work…
I (kinda) learned my lesson. I believe in respecting other people’s time. Now I’m going to make an effort to be punctual again. Esp if it involves hangry people and brunch reservations that are a really far walk from the subway. Time’s a tickin!
Dear Internet by Tina Fey
From PerezHilton.com/Posted by jerkstore on Wednesday, 1/21/2009, 11:21 P.M.
“In my opinion Tina Fey completely ruined SNL. The only reason she’s celebrated is because she’s a woman and an outspoken liberal. She has not a single funny bone in her body.”
Huzzah for the Truth Teller! Women in this country have been over-celebrated for too long. Just last night there was a story on my local news about a “missing girl,” and they must have dedicated seven or eight minutes to “where she was last seen” and “how she might have been abducted by a close family friend,” and I thought, “What is this, the News for Chicks?” Then there was some story about Hillary Clinton flying to some country because she’s secretary of state. Why do we keep talking about these dumdums? We are a society that constantly celebrates no one but women and it must stop! I want to hear what the men of the world have been up to. What fun new guns have they invented? What are they raping these days? What’s Michael Bay’s next film going to be?
When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn’t think anyone would notice, but I persevered because—like you trying to do a nine-piece jigsaw puzzle—it was a labor of love.
I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I feel safe with you, jerkstore, so I’ll say it. Everything you ever hated on SNL was by me, and anything you ever liked was by someone else who did it against my will.
P.S. You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.”
I <3 sarcasm.